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October's Gone

October was green and gold, then
A man could stay out at nights and

Still come home in the early dawn
with no feelings of alarm

That the rheum across his eye was
the early warning of a wheeze.

The days are shorter now, and strewn with
Germs coughed out by the whistling kids

Home from school. Off-white
handkerchiefs have made the grade of late.

First a sniff, delicately now
restrained, trying to staunch the flow,

Soon piles of soggy bog-roll everywhere,
green phlegm in the sink, and red sores leer

From beneath a swollen nose. Then
Drip by drip the long siege begins;

While the back of your nose, and your throat
are hacked by coughing pincers of slate;

Hacked by pincers of red hot slate,
And vitamin C is now much too late.

This of course is a pastiche of the Ted Hughes poem October Dawn
A Rose For Jane

I've brought a present for you; this white rose.
It's brightness and its purity are sure
measures of my love for you, and it shows
to you that my intentions are quite pure.
I reach behind my back for one that's red.
This shows my love for you is strong and fresh,
That I will grab you, hurl you on my bed
And write my words upon your naked flesh.
I look at you, and wistfully I smile
And pull from behind my back a pink rose.
I am not sure; confused, I wait a while
and wonder what reaction you propose.
   I'm just a silly boy who loves you, Jane.
   Come on now, let's go back to bed again.

Vaginas

Vaginas are a wondrous thing

and cocks are pretty stupid
Girls can hide their magic ring

but when boys get spooked by Cupid

their wretched thing sticks out

easy prey to any clout.

  Yes, vaginas are a better bet

  Or so they say… and yet…..?
 
If Only Spiders Could Read

(Do I need to explain that the programs that are created to look for things on the web are called Spiders? At the time of writing they dont appear to be very smart.)

They're crawling around on my pages again
poking about where I dont want them to be.
I'm frightened of spiders and they drive me insane.
I'd put up a notice where they could all see
  But I'm wasting my time
  taking that line
If only the spiders could read!

If only they knew what it is that I need
they could deliver it to me each time they come round
but they get it all wrong cause the blighters cant read.
I'd leave them a message where it could be found
  But I'm wasting my time
  no matter what I define
If only the spiders could read!

I'm keen on the girls, but not Russian chicks. Ukrainians are sexier, tho a bit sad and demure.
And I'm not terribly keen on those outrageous pix
with donkeys and girls doing something obscure.
  But I'm wasting my time
  it's no use me crying
If only the spiders could read!

If only you'd try just for once to get right
the things that I'd love you to send me each day Instead every time it's a positive fight
to get rid of the crap that blocks up my in-tray
  But I'm wasting my time
  it'll be back before nine
If only the spiders could read!

I dont need the tablets to beef up my cock
to make it grow bigger and amaze everyone.
Free sex would be fine if it didn't cost such a lot
and I'm in the wrong time-zone to get hold of some.
  I'm wasting my time
  but it could be quite fine
If only the spiders could read!

I'm going to write down a list of the things
that someone can send me if they want to be nice but I dont need viagra, slimmers, or rings
and I dont need watches, sex aids or advice
  I'd be doing just fine
  even feeling benign
if only the spiders could read!

A spider is something that gathers up code
and then excretes it as cartloads of spam
It's eating habits are really obscene
and it shits in my inbox as much as it can
  I shovel it away
  but it piles up each day
And I'm told those spiders can breed!