Chapter 11 - Blind
I wake up. My head is heavy, filled with
lead. It feels as if I was hit in the night with an axe
which split the top of my head in two. I lean forward, and
the sudden surge of pain about my cranium almost makes me
scream. I lie there keeping very still. I daren't move my
head. Every little movement sends the pain screaming about
me like dodgems. I am breathing evenly, keeping ever so
still. My temperature is rising. I am beginning to sweat.I wake Annabel and she gets
me a towel soaked in cold water. I lie back on the pillow,
the towel across my eyes. I am forcing myself to feel cool
and relaxed. I am using masses and masses of energy to
keep calm, and keep my head level.If you hurt your foot you
can hop about and curse. If you bang your hand, your
finger or your elbow, you can clutch the damaged part and
let off a stream of violent abuse towards the dratted
object that inflicted the pain. You are in your head
looking down at the scene of damage. The head controls
what you do, but is not directly involved itself in the
pain. When the pain is screaming and lurching about right
inside your head, and little men with big axes and
circular saws are battering and chopping it to pieces you
cannot hop about, you cannot swear, you must keep so cool
and calm, for it's the central control box itself that is
in flames.Annabel gets up, makes the
breakfast, phones in that I shall not be at work, and
offers me breakfast I daren't move to eat. Anyway, I don't
want to eat. I drink cold water. The pain is increasing
and my temperature is going up with the pain. I am
sweating profusely now. The bedclothes are sticking to me.
My body is a furnace.The day stretches on and on
into a static infinity of tenseness as I lie under the wet
towel, which Annabel comes and takes away to dampen again
in ice cold water every half hour. My head is soaked, the
wet coolness trying its best to assuage the violence of
the fever. I am willing the cold to beat back the hotness
as dribbles of water trickle down my neck wetting the
bedclothes.I feel as though I have been struggling for days as I lie immobile and unseeing, and then Annabel comes up and asks me if I want a cold drink for my elevenses.
She takes off the towel and
I open my eyes slowly. The lids are full and heavy as
lead. They feel about to burst. They are scorching hot. I
open them and stare out at a misty whiteness, so bright it
aches to watch the flowing textures. I close my eyelids
again."You'd better call the
doctor. Tell him I've lost my sight again.""Oh Johnsie, what is the
matter with you?""This happened when I was
in Jerusalem. It wont last long. I'll probably be better
tomorrow, but you'd better ring the doc anyway."The doctor comes at lunch
time. He makes me open my eyes. I stare out at the white
swirling mist, and maybe he does something to test my
eyesight. I don't know as I cant see him."You're sure everything's
white?" he asks, puzzled."Of course I'm sure. It's
very bright, dazzling, like misty clouds on top of a
mountain with the sun shining through them, only you cant
see the sun, just the dazzle."I think you'd better go
into hospital.""I'll be better tomorrow. I
only want enough real painkillers to get me through the
next twenty-four hours. I want proper..." I was talking in
a very level manner, my head kept dead even. I sounded
like a mechanical engine."It depends what you mean
by real painkillers. Aspirin will stop pain.""Aspirin may stop imagined
pain," I say in a level computerised voice, "but it wont
stop this. Feel my head, cant you feel the banging? Cant
you see my veins dilated under my skin? Take my
temperature."He gets out his
thermometer. "It's 104. You are feverish.""No I'm not. I'm fighting
pain that's all. This isn't fever. I want morphine tablets
to last me till tomorrow morning."He gives me four tablets.
One to take straight away; one to take after tea, and one
to take before I go to sleep, and another for the morning.The next morning I wake but
still feel very tired. I have a slight ache at the top of
my neck. I am stiff. I open my eyes. There is no white
fog, just the same old bedroom back again.What is going on inside me?
Something is seriously wrong, but do I want to know? I am
frightened there is something wrong with my brain. I am
frightened that any cure will change me, and turn me into
someone else. I don't want to be changed. I don't even
want to know what is wrong. I can cope. If only I can get
through another day. If only I can hang on in there. I
will get through this.And then I fall asleep. * * * * *
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