Chapter Thirty-Seven -
She's Got at Him
The next week Cindy went back
to London, and Annabel went up to see Terry.She came back early looking a little confused. Instead of rushing in looking flushed and excited, she just came straight into the kitchen, busied herself making a cup of coffee and sat down by the dining table staring at the wall.
"What's the matter?""I think she's been
getting at him.""Why? What's gone
wrong?""Oh, he was all
quiet and subdued. He didn't seem all that pleased to see
me, and kept talking about being worried about her
psychological state. Huh! Her psychological state's just a
matter of trying to get her own way by going into tantrums.""So she's been
making scenes all week, has she?""As far as I can
tell, yes. I don't know why he puts up with her. If it was
me I'd leave her straight away and tell her to go to hell.
Stupid old fat bitch!" Annabel scowled at the wall."What are you going
to do now? I mean, has Terry suddenly got cold feet, or
what?""Well, you know what
he's like. He dithers about, and ties himself into knots
over any simple decision. He looks at the problem this way,
and he looks at it that way, and he brings in all sorts of
irrelevant nonsense, and he considers all the options, and
what she would do, and what you would do, and what he ought
to do, and what I'd do. And all of it is utter nonsense
because he's only guessing all the time what anybody would
do. I mean, he doesn't even know what she'd do; not really.
She makes a lot of noise, and screams, and gets into
tantrums, and cries, and tells him a lot of nonsense, and
threatens to commit suicide, and all that rubbish, and of
course he takes it so seriously.""You mean Terry
doesn't want to see you again because Cindy has threatened
to commit suicide if he leaves her for you?"Something like
that.""Bollocks!""That's what I said.
But he's got all these middle class hang-ups, and he feels
he's got all these duties to fulfil. He thinks because he
married her he's got to carry on and provide her with a
family home till the end of time, whether she plagues him
and makes his life hell or not. And of course he couldn't
face his parents, or her parents if anything went wrong, and
he couldn't cope with divorce proceedings, (they're not nice
you know, and terribly sort of not done), and what would
they say at his job, and it would compromise his position in
society. Oh hell, you know....."I shrugged my shoulders. What was I supposed to say? Was I to support her and say "Oh yes, of course Terry ought to run off with you and leave me to pick up the remains of Cindy"?
She sighed, drank
her coffee and started swearing at Cindy. Then she started
tearing off at Terry. "I don't know why I bother. He's as
bad as Edwin. It's those potty schools their parents send
them to. They get brought up thinking all the wrong things.""And I suppose the
right thing for him to do would be to run off with you and
leave Cindy in the lurch?""She'd soon find
someone else to cringe on.""And what would I do
Annabel?"She turned round and
looked at me, bit her lip, drank more of her coffee, and
stared at the wall again. "You've never really loved me have
you? I mean, really loved me. You married me because I
wanted you to. You've always said I forced you to marry me.""That doesn't mean I
want you to run off. And what would happen to the children?""I'd take them with
me.""And me? Don't you
think I've given up my life as a bum and an artistic loafer
to build houses, and sweat my guts out to make a home for
all of you, only to be thrown out now and told the whole
thing was a total waste of five years or more of my life?""You would get on
with your writings much better without me and the kids. You
resent us being here taking up your time. You could do your
travelling, and do what you want, and get on with your own
way of life without having to do all the things you so
obviously hate. And you wouldn't keep getting ratty. You
could come and see us when you wanted to, and then go off
again and do what you wanted, and you'd be a lot happier.""So you really want
to go and live with Terry?"She got up, and took
her cup over to the sink, and started washing it out,
twisting on one foot, and vaguely kicking the cupboard door
under the sink with her other foot."I thought you were
fed up with him for being another duff idiot who cant handle
you.""I don't know what I
feel.""But you feel you've
had enough of me?""I feel we aren't
suited to one another. We seem to get on each other's
nerves. And we aren't doing each other much good, are we
Johnsie?"I shrugged again,
and sat down. "It's like I said from the start. We ought to
have lived in separate places, and been lovers. We could
have shared half our lives and been independent the other
half. Perhaps we should start doing that now.""What do you mean?""Sell up and get a
couple of small places, and get together for half the week
and live apart for the rest of the week. Go for holidays
together, or go off on our own. I don't know.""But you see
Johnsie, I don't want that. I want to live with someone all
the time.""Yes, but you don't
really. You had me. Now you want someone else. I want to
share things with someone, but I want my own individuality.
So do you, but you pretend you don't. You pretend your
individuality can be maintained with the right guy in the
right situation. I don't believe it can be done. Either you
keep yourself separate and ruin the relationship, or you
ruin part of your individuality to maintain the
relationship. A lot of people are prepared to do the latter
because they get a lot from a sharing relationship. People
like me have a problem with that. They lose more than they
think they gain. You perhaps have a fifty-fifty feel about
it. You gain a lot, and you lose a lot, and it puts you in
an awkward situation."You're right, it
wouldn't work for you. But it certainly wont take you long
to get fed up with Terry. You're already complaining about
what a wimp he is. He will be the same whether he's with you
or Cindy. You know jolly well you cant keep saying 'this
time it's for real' whatever that may mean.""But I don't feel
like that about Terry. I like being with him. It's peaceful.
I like him. He's nice to me. But he doesn't excite me. He
irritates me. I think he's weak. He's much weaker than you
though he thinks he's stronger.""Then you know he's
not right for you, only a bit right. What's the good of
that? So what do you want Annabel?""I tell you I don't
know.""But he's gone and
blown it, hasn't he, like Edwin?"She made a face. She
sat down, crossed her legs, and put her elbows on her knees
and started rocking backwards and forwards.I held her shoulders
and started stroking her hair. "You're lucky I'm nice to you
some of the time, aren't you? I may be a pain in the arse a
lot of the time. It may be impossible to live with me, but
I'm not a complete write-off am I?"She sat still for a
long time, sighed, then got up, turned round and stared at
the front of my shirt with her arms crossed for what seemed
like ages. "Let's go to bed." * * * * *
If you wish to comment on this chapter, or any part of the book please click on the link below and email me.
I will upload comments within 24 hours, unless you specifically ask me not to, and I will not include your email address, just your first name.
Thanks.